Park Cities Presbyterian Church (PCA)

What have you done for your marriage lately?

Intimate Mystery conference coming to PCPC

By Betty Montague

Published August 1, 2010 in Witness

Think of all you do to keep your teeth from falling out, all the money you invest to keep your home comfortable and your car running smoothly, all the hours spent in the gym or even at church “doing ministry.” Consider how hard you work to keep your dream job or to build a college fund for the kids or a 401(k) for yourself. Noble efforts for sure, but what have you done for your marriage lately? When was the last time you intentionally took action to make your relationship with your spouse stronger and more authentic? Well, now is your chance.

Through this interview conducted by Jeremy Ezell, formerly of Irving Bible Church, allow me to give you a closer look at the man who will be presenting the Intimate Mystery Conference at PCPC on September 10-11. Dr. Dan Allender, president of Mars Hill Graduate School, will helps us to move toward working through the glorious mess of marriage.

Jeremy: Everywhere we look there is a new self-help book or marriage conference out there. What sets this conference apart from other Christian marriage conferences, and why should folks come to this one?
Dan: This is a conference for people tired of conferences. And it isn’t a marriage seminar that offers a few go-do principles that you already know you ought to be doing but don’t. Instead, it is a compelling tale of stories that invites you to enter both the heartache and mystery of redemption especially designed just for your marriage.
 
Jeremy: You have written a book called Leading with a Limp. Essentially, what does it mean to lead with a limp, and how do you lead with a limp in your marriage?
Dan: Leading with a limp simply means letting the truth tell you how broken you are and allowing love to tell you how beautiful you will be and already are. The wonder of leading with a limp is that I don’t have to pretend, yet I can be seized by the wild truth of an extravagant God who relentlessly and recklessly seeks to win me for His good.
 
Jeremy: In today’s society Christian marriages are ending at an alarming rate. In your opinion, what is to blame for this trend, and how can the church help these couples that are calling it quits?
Dan: Most marriages know the death of hope well before they end in divorce. And it is terrifying to hope that someone could know my heart—in all its struggles and confusion—and still want to remain with me. Many marry with unacknowledged dreams that do not come to full term and simply learn to substitute love for financial success, parenting, Little League, Junior League, golf, and a tryst with food. The gospel calls us not merely to faithfulness, but also to the dream of redemption for the earth and for ourselves. Any marriage that has failed to suffer hope will suffer a mediocrity that too easily settles for silly idols that are counterfeit. And it is idolatry that starts our slow drift to divorce.

Jeremy: A transcendent theme throughout your work is an emphasis on the element of story. What makes it so difficult in marriage and in life to step into our own stories and the stories of our spouse?
Dan: My story is a mess. And my wife’s story is a mess. We are a mess. The more I know her hurt and she knows mine, the more painful it is when we sin against each other. It is easier to harm a stranger or an enemy, than a friend whose story I carry as more compelling than my own. It is also far easier to forgive and reconcile with a friend whose story I know and embrace than an acquaintance with whom I merely exist within a functional relationship.
 
Jeremy: What effect is postmodernism having on our marriages?
Dan: We live in an age of salacious cynicism and the need for taking vicarious extreme risks. Meaning—we love reality television. We are hip, cool, and edgy—we doubt everyone and believe without letting our convictions impinge on our choice. We want passion and novelty—but not at the cost of safety and power. This demand for safety and power leads to a refusal to be broken, humbled, and lifted up by God. When lived in a marriage, it enables a couple to be overwhelmingly busy in separate lives, to come together through diversion and entertainment, not through a shared story or the passion of the gospel.

Want to begin making your marriage a shared story of passion for the gospel and each other? Are you single but hope to have this kind of marriage in the future? Come explore the glorious risk of marriage at PCPC’s Intimate Mystery Conference this fall. Go to www.pcpc.org for registration information.
—Betty Montague